


In the Moment We're Lost and Found

by Valgus



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Drabble, Drama, Holding Hands, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-03-05
Packaged: 2018-05-24 21:17:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6167155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valgus/pseuds/Valgus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It’s okay if you left me, Hinata. Maybe I deserve it.”</p><p>In which Kageyama wasn't truly free from his past fear and Hinata taught him a thing or to about trusting others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Moment We're Lost and Found

_Everything was probably a wonderful dream, one I hadn’t been woke up from, but it was okay._

_It was okay._

_It was okay, because once I’ve lost it all._

*)*

Sometimes, in the darkest part of the night, when every member of Karasuno team was fast asleep on training camp, Hinata would hear a faint sound of muffled sobbing. He always felt like he could sense that someone was crying, but when he woke up, no one seemed to be out of usual.

That was until Karasuno’s visit on Tokyo.

*)*

After weeks of not really _talking_ to Kageyama, Hinata couldn’t help but to feel immensely relieved when they returned to the odd duo they always were. That was after Kageyama developed new toss that Hinata could spike with his new way of spiking. They returned to their usual being-together, whether it was washing their face together, running to their drink bottle together, and taking bath together.

When they had dinner next to each other once again, Hinata kept glancing at Kageyama until Kageyama growled on whether there was rice on his face. Hinata shook his head and smiled, glad and thankful that Kageyama was still the same Kageyama he knew; foul mouthed, arrogant, and annoying as hell, but still the best volleyball player on Hinata’s level whom Hinata knew.

But then the night fell and the darkness thickened.

Hinata woke up to vague feeling that someone was crying. He lifted his head to see that Kageyama was missing from his futon, which was located next to Hinata’s. Hinata grabbed his jacket—because Tokyo was surprisingly chilly at night, even when it was summer—and went through dark, empty corridor to find the other piece of the odd pair.

On normal occasion, walking alone on empty corridor would scare Hinata to death, but now, he was just worried. Could it be that the cry he always heard belonged to Kageyama? Hinata’s hasty walk turned into trot and then run until he went out of the building, to glimmer of big city on the distance and to Kageyama sat before the concerete stairs near the gym’s door.

“Kageyama!” Hinata panted, leaning down with his palms on his knees. He sucked as much as cool night air as possible before finally walking to Kageyama.

Kageyama was on his sleeping attire—white T-shirt and shorts—but he had his shoes and socks on. There was something on the way he looked at Hinata that made Hinata felt like he shouldn’t really be seeing it, but worry over Kageyama won Hinata and Hinata scooted closer to the taller boy.

“You disappeared,” Hinata said, now breathing much more evenly after the run. “I was worried. What are you doing?”

Kageyama had stopped staring at Hinata. His eyes were far away once again. “Jogging.”

“In the middle of the night?”

“I was restless,” grunted Kageyama, but without any real hint of anger. “So I went for a run. What are you doing, anyway? You should be sleeping. The training camp isn’t over yet.”

Hinata looked at Kageyama and his distant staring. Disturbed by Kageyama talking to him but not really _talking_ to him, Hinata placed his palm on Kageyama’s side of neck and the setter yelped, standing abruptly, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down in what seemed like cool anger.

“ _What_ are you doing?” he groaned, placing his hand where Hinata just touched him on his neck.

“I… sorry,” Hinata said, as he watched Kageyama sat next to him again on that concrete stairs. “You look so… ‘gaaah’.”

“Speak in human language, you dumbass.”

“You look sad,” Hinata suddenly said, without him really plan what he was going to say. “I-I think. I don’t know. Were you crying? Am I hurting you in some way?”

Kageyama scoffed, “I’m not sad. I’m not crying. You’re not hurting me. Go back to bed, Hinata.”

But Hinata stubbornly stayed there, glaring at Kageyama. “Kageyama, I know that you’ve been worried about us. Well, I think you must be worrying about us, because I’ve been worried about us too. But now we’re okay again, right? I can spike your toss again.”

Kageyama let out a tired, breathy stutter of laugh.

And Hinata was sure he would never forget that bewildered, lost look Kageyama displayed on his face, the one that spelt insanity for some reason. Hinata had seen so many of Kageyama’s face, being Kageyama’s partner, being possibly the closest person to Kageyama, but he had never seen Kageyama looked so much like he wanted to cry but he couldn’t.

“I worry about everything all the time,” Kageyama finally said. On Hinata’s relief, Kageyama sounded more like he actually talked to Hinata. “Isn’t that what life is all about? Worry about one thing and then another?”

“Don’t do it alone, though,” Hinata beamed his best smile to Kageyama, in hope Kageyama found courage from it.

“What do you mean?” Kageyama glared at Hinata, sighing in a manner of someone who had a headache.

“Don’t be worried alone! We’re here, you know, the Karasuno’s crows! We’re your friends. You can share your worry to us,” Hinata still smiled. “You can share your worry with me.”

But Kageyama made the saddest smile when he heard Hinata’s words, the ones Hinata thought would give Kageyama relief. Kageyama looked down at shorter Hinata and Hinata thought he saw gleam of tears on Kageyama’s dark blue eyes.

“I can’t, Hinata,” he said defeatedly.

“What do you mean you can’t?”

“Let’s put it this way,” Kageyama sighed, but he looked more dejected than frustrated that Hinata didn’t understand him. “Right now, I’m with Karasuno. But that will end in two and a half years. Then I will probably join new team and everything and starts from scratch again. You are here now, with me, wanting me to share my worries with you, but you know that you won’t always be here with me, right? One day, we will part, and I…” Kageyama gulped. He let out another sigh and made a face of someone who surrendered. “It’s okay if you left me, Hinata. Maybe I deserve it.”

Hinata looked at Kageyama with his jaw hanging, “What do you mean you deserve it?”

“Well, I’m not the easiest person to work with, aren’t I? That’s just part of me. I want to work with everyone from Karasuno, but that doesn’t mean that everyone will return my feeling nor that things will always work out,” Kageyama sighed again, but then he chuckled. “It’s okay. I’ve lost my team once. Maybe it won’t be so scary to lose it again.”

Hinata finally had it and ram Kageyama’s forehead with his.

Kageyama hissed and roared at Hinata, “What the fuck are you doing, Dumbass? That hurt!”

“Don’t say things like that!” Hinata roared back. His eyes were watery. Whether it was from the painful collision or Kageyama’s words, Hinata had no idea. “Don’t say like you’ll live and die alone! We’re here! I’m here! I’m your friend! Don’t you ever think of me as your friend? I’m your partner, for God’s sake!”

And Kageyama just looked at Hinata emptily, “I’ve thought about that, Dumbass. You said you’d take me on, whether it’d be ten or twenty years, yeah? It sounds great, beautiful even, but I won’t be angry if you left me before then.”

So Hinata rammed his forehead to Kageyama once again. This time, Kageyama grabbed Hinata’s collar and literally rained saliva on Hinata’s face, “Would you fucking stop that, you Dumbass? That hurts!”

“Well _I_ hurt too!” roared Hinata to Kageyama’s face again. They were so close that their nose almost touched, but Hinata couldn’t care, because he started to cry and Kageyama started to look blurry. “Why can’t you trust me? I’m not going anywhere. I mean it when I say I won’t leave you until I beat you. Even after then, maybe you’d become better, so I will never be able to beat you. Why can’t you trust us? We’re here. Just bring us together through your pain. We’re not going anywhere. Why do you have to be the only person who get hurt?”

Hinata couldn’t really see Kageyama, but he could roughly felt how Kageyama’s fingers on his collar loosened.

Hinata sobbed, “Have you ever think of loving other people by asking for their help and bring them through your troubles? We’re here. We want to help you. I want to help you.”

Kageyama finally lifted his hands from Hinata’s collar. With eyes full of tears, Hinata had no idea where Kageyama’s hands were, but then he found Kageyama’s big, calloused fingers on his cheeks, stroking his tears away.

“Geez, you cry way too much, Dumbass,” Kageyama said, though his tone was eerily normal compared to several minutes ago.

When Hinata’s tears finally reduced to hiccup, Kageyama placed his hand on Hinata’s head and patting through orange strands of Hinata’s hair as he did another sigh, though this one didn’t sound as heavy as the others.

“I’m not good with other people and you know that, Hinata. I think you understand that best. I’ve never thought about caring for others by sharing my worry with them as well, so… I guess, thank you for that. I don’t know whether I can do it right away, but at least I’m talking to you right now,” Kageyama spoke as he stroked Hinata’s head in gentle manner that made Hinata wanted to cry more for some reason.

Kageyama slowly tugged Hinata against him. Hinata now leaned on Kageyama’s left shoulder. Kageyama patted his back now.

“You know my history with Kitagawa Daiichi,” said Kageyama, slow and fidgety. “I know it’s weak and stupid and silly, but it still scares me until now. When you got angry at me, I’m getting scared all over again and I retreated the only way I know how; by thinking that now everyone will eventually turn their backs on me and I’m alone again. I’m ready for that. I’ve lost my team once. Maybe it won’t be too scary to lose it once again.”

Hinata wanted to make angry remark, but Kageyama chuckled softly, his shoulder shaking and Hinata’s head bounced there.

“But you’re right, Hinata,” chuckled Kageyama. “I should try to love everyone more and just… trust them. Like you used to close your eyes when you hit my toss, yeah?”

Hinata nodded silently and Kageyama now exhaled slowly.

“Tokyo looks wonderful from here,” Kageyama continued to pat Hinata’s back and Hinata felt like he could sleep right there with Kageyama’s hand on him. “We should go there before we return to Miyagi.”

“Mm,” Hinata mumbled in response.

They talked some more about that, catching up with stuffs they didn’t get to talk about when they weren’t talking to each other, and then Hinata decided to agree with Kageyama that they should get some sleep. Although Hinata had a feeling that Kageyama hadn’t open himself up fully to him, Hinata was sure that night changed something in Kageyama. Before they entered the building where they slept, Hinata poked Kageyama’s hand.

“Can we hold hands, Kageyama?”

Kageyama raised one eyebrow, but reached for Hinata’s hand and squeezed it.

Hinata didn’t want the dark corridor to ever end, because Kageyama’s hand felt so big, nice, and just fitting on his hand, but they eventually reached the room where Karasuno boys were sleeping.

When they both slipped under their blankets, Hinata whispered, “Can I still hold your hand until I sleep?”

Kageyama’s face wasn’t clear in the dark, but he whispered back, “Just hold it until morning, Dumbass.”

And Hinata slept with Kageyama’s gentle squeeze against his hand and he had never felt so happy, so scared, so relieved, and so in love, so care about someone else before. He thought about how Kageyama’s hand was actually hard with muscle and callouse but how soft it felt for Hinata and dozed off smiling.

*)*

When they got back in the bus for Miyagi after the Tokyo training camp was over, Hinata found Kageyama giving Hinata his hand to hold, after everyone on the bus fell asleep out of exhaustion.

“Don’t you—“ Hinata whispered very carefully. “Aren’t you afraid people will see us holding hands?”

Kageyama looked up, like he gave it a thought, before shrugging, “But I want to hold your hand. I don’t care what others would say, unless you don’t want to do it. Well… do you?”

Hinata answered by reaching Kageyama’s hand and beamed a sleepy smile at his partner.

_I’m here. I’m not going anywhere._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure whether I got my point across with what I wrote above, but I'm glad I wrote it. This piece is quite personal to me. I'm not good with drama, but I really want to write Kageyama's struggle and Hinata's openness and willingness to keep up with any of Kageyama's problem.
> 
> The title is credit to [Birdy's lovely _Wings_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJTXDCh2YiA), which is honestly one of my favourite songs of all time.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed what you read. Thank you so much for reading this.


End file.
